HEARTBREAK HOTEL

twas the night before christmas..

2011-12-24T21:48:00.002+13:00

i'm thankful for my family, my friends, my love, my home, my life.

FREE EARL

2011-11-25T09:23:00.000+13:00

4 days

2011-11-25T09:21:00.000+13:00

it will be the 29th. dooms day. i can't believe it's been two years without you. it's all so surreal. i haven't seen your friend or your mum in so long. i went through paerata a while ago and still got butterflies. can't nobody deny that what we had was real. we were young, we still are. but everything we felt was so intense, so true. that was like a mafuckin marriage. you were MEANT for me. your mind, your BODY (mellllts), your heart, soul.... everything. i'm afraid that for the rest of my life, i will compare people to you. because no one will ever measure up. no one can ever replace you maeva. hahaha i thought of you when i watched the we found love video. we would have been like that :) tattooing eachother, intense 5 day benders, dancing. i miss the nights of chaos with you. shit, i miss you

fark this blog is mud

2011-11-03T22:06:00.001+13:00

2011-11-03T22:05:00.000+13:00

feels strange knowing that i only have 2 real days of school left for possibly my entire life. i've used this blog since 2008 when i was still a junior at mags. and spilt my heart to it everytime i needed to. it's never going to be the same signing on after this post. idk why im making such a big deal out of it. i know things change.... i'm just not ready. i'm like a baby. in so many aspects. i am certainly not ready to go out in the world.
i wish i did more at school. joined heaps of random stuff. in ways, my school has made me. not the people, not the teachers. the school. the pride that comes with that gay ass uniform, gay school song & prayer. the 'mags way'. i'm just thinking of how gay i would be if i had gone anywhere else....
lynfield? i'd probably be like hardout stoner hoodrat slut no intelligence duuuuuuuuh kinda person
aggs? i'd be A CONCEITED BITCH.
kelston? i'd be a bulldog tasi alcoholic hahahaa

mags was a good option. lol

2011-10-18T23:32:00.000+13:00

it's funny reading posts from 09ish. about all the shit that used to get to me. how broken and insecure i was. how i truly believed it would never get better, i would never get over him, or him. or even him lol. and now, they mean nothing to me. all those motherf*ckers made me stronger. i don't miss any of you mud boys hahah. and as i read everything about maea, it feels like it hasn't changed aye. i was out paerata ways not long ago and i got butterflies. it's all still in my head, my heart, my soul. you're still the man to me :)

far it sucks how my life was so full of adventure and excitement... and i just took that for granted. now i don't do anything lol

2011-10-18T23:18:00.002+13:00

i wish i could do it all over again. all of it. restart.

youth is wasted on the young

2011-10-18T23:17:00.001+13:00

hi george

2011-10-05T22:12:00.001+13:00

i'm in love :)

with you heehehehe

2011-10-05T22:10:00.000+13:00

its taken me 17 years to understand childhood properly. and its nearly too late. i don't want to grow up. i want pajama sleepovers with dvds and scary stories and sundaes. i want to play at the park. i want to jump on the bed!! i really don't want to go to town. it's like my last few weekends of school, for possibly my entire life, and all my friends want to do is go town. its fucked up but i think my youth is kinda backwards. third form, one night with keys, i got drunk for the first time. it was for a decent reason but it just opened a different door. pretty much drank every weekend, same in fourth form. then i went clubbing for the first time when i was 14, (thought i was so cool). while my friends were at home, watching tv i was at met. thought i was the maaaaaan. then fifth form, kept going into town, still drinking whenever i wasn't at raves. started doing drugs. my head was a mess. couldn't deal with everything. sixth form, kept going town, parties, drinking, drugs, weed..... rata life man. then this year i just slowly phased out. stopped going out, stopped seeing alot of people, lost a shit load of friends. and it's taken this whole year to make me realise what i want. i want to sing with the little friends i have left! i want to catch the bus places. play! i just want to be a child. i want to catch up on everything i missed out on while i was trying to be old. i always wanted to be old. now i'm 8 months from 18 and i'm dreading it. i just want to be a kid again..... i want another chance. i want to do it properly. i hope i can go back to school next year....

licky logan

2011-09-15T22:32:00.001+12:00

keep your pimp hand strong

2011-08-28T22:10:00.000+12:00

i remember when my weekends used to be epic. like a 48 hour trip of constant fun. and now what has become of me........ mediocrity, boredom and melancholy. i want everything to go back to normal.

2011-08-19T22:32:00.002+12:00

2011-08-19T22:08:00.000+12:00

i hate how dependent i am of you. how much i need you. how shit days are without you. that everything reminds me of you. that i can't be without you. that i am not myself without you. that you are ABSOLUTELY everything to me. i hate that my happiness is in your hands.
i love that you make me happy. i love that you know me. and everything about me. and that i can tell you anything. and that you brought me back to life. and that you can cheer me up like no one else. and your kind heart.

i can't keep fighting with you. i thought we were past that. we've made up for like the last month, sweet as. until today..... and. i just can't be bothered anymore. i want you i need you. but i can't deal with our constant fighting. i just really want you, here, with me. forever

"i'm not coming"

2011-08-19T18:11:00.002+12:00

too many rails, ended up behind a factory in manukau zoning. accompanied by none other than frank ocean. then saw african cats :S anyway, T.Y nostalgia ultra for being there when people were not.... (although this was maybe a month ago now). i needed mr ocean again today, so thanks

that's a pretty big trunk on my lincoln town car ain't it
big enough to take these broken hearts and put em in it..
now i'm driving round on the boulevard trunk bleeding
and everytime the cops pull me over, they don't ever see them
they never see them.

and i've got this black suit on, roaming around like i'm ready for a funeral
5 more miles till the road runs out............

2011-08-13T17:25:00.002+12:00

i wanna bring this shit back to life.

PROJECT RESURRECTION OF RN4Y17 COMMENCED

24th 25th 26th june.

2011-06-27T10:43:00.000+12:00

went to a party in old papatoe, knew no one. new friends froom penrose & OC. tagged. home.
went to hotel on pitt street. got too messed up with keely viniece and nikau. was nice to see nat. tarns can't be saved aaaaaaaye. way too much. howe street. never again. recovery

2011-05-25T15:17:00.000+12:00

2011-05-25T15:10:00.000+12:00

so much has changed. everything is so different. i'm even amazed at how i never use this anymore. there was a time in which i'd be on blogger everyday venting, and now it's down to a minimal number every month. i will love this blog forever. this blog has kept me sane and insane through all the cliche highschool drama. this blog brought me love! after ranting about all the bullsh*t boys put me through, my blog finally listened and gave me something back.

to read

2011-04-04T21:11:00.000+12:00

beauty queen by linda glovach
the torn skirt by rebecca godfrey
the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky

2011-03-15T19:34:00.000+13:00

your happiness is my medicine. your love is my hope.
without you i am homeless with a roof over my head.
for you to be mine is to feel eternity.

2011-03-15T19:33:00.001+13:00

to know you is to live. to love you is to breathe. and to be loved by you is for my heart to beat.
you are a vital part of my day.

2011-03-15T19:31:00.000+13:00

but for now, i love you. with every atom of my body i love you. i love every atom of you. this love is not platonic, it's not lust and it's certainly not just words.
my reason is you. i'm a crackhead for you. i'm freakily, creepily obsessed with you. your mind, your thoughts, your love, your being.
if i never find real love, i'll be okay. because i had you. and you are love. in it's purest, rawest, realest form.
i am eternally indebted to our maker for bringing you into my life.

2011-03-15T19:26:00.000+13:00

it's as if i fall deeper and deeper everyday. but i don't know if i'm falling to my death, or falling into your arms. it's all up in the air. i'm open for you. no protection. i'm so vulnerable and all i can do is hope that you won't squash me.

2011-03-15T19:23:00.000+13:00

it's all sitting there up in my head but it won't come out. i can't find the words. there are no words. no words that truly represent the intensity of the situation, the gravity of my feelings. you're forever on my mind, caught in a maze, you can't find your way out.
i could get lost in you. in your head, your mind, your presence. i feels as though 'i love you' is simply not enough. it doesn't even begin to express my love for you. the very same love that that could make me high, keep me smiling, and forget everything going on around me.
you're a book i can't put down, keeping me at the edge of my seat. got me searching for a sequel.
i want to imprint your smile in my eyelids so even when i close my eyes, you're there.
i want to see inside your head, see everything that has made you, you.
i want to feel your heartbeat and be under it's trance. each beat playing the bassline. hitting me like the most beautifully composed piece of music ever made.
i want to wrap my arms around you and never let you go. never let anyone hurt you again.
i want our my to come together and form something so unbelievably amazing. for our thoughts to combine and concieve the most epic banter ever known to man.
i want to look into your eyes with my heart pounding in my chest, and feel my spirit soar to the stars, with my feet still firmly planted on the ground.

2011-03-03T21:15:00.000+13:00

If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
Get high as hell: eat at a buffet and skip the bill, call my man and smoke again with him while bumping some Sade. GET IT IN! Steal a boombox and play every single song that reminds me of anything or anybody from my life, hop on a train going to only God knows where. Get off and smoke again. Call some friends and ask them if they wanna freestyle on the corner for some cash to smoke again. Get HIGH as shit and sneak on a train (not knowing where it’s going), get off wherever I want, and recruit as many people as we can to start a movement of stripping to our bras and writing our biggest insecurities in red lipstick on our stomachs.

2011-03-03T13:35:00.001+13:00

2011-02-12T00:31:00.001+13:00

.......I know my heart is merely mortal and human like, but all of it is for you and at your disposal. So use with a lack of care or caution because it is purely there to make yours whole again.

2011-02-04T22:15:00.000+13:00

what the fuck you should do, if you wanna be a fucking smart-ass romantic, is be realistic- i want a song to come out where somebody's like "no i won't catch a grenade for you, but i will push you out of the way and save both of our lives....." (but) no "bitch, i'm gonna catch the grenade, blow myself the fuck up, so that you're alone for the rest of your life, depressed as fuck that your boyfriend just blew the fuck up in front of your face".

2011-01-28T12:28:00.001+13:00

ex factor - lauryn hill

2011-01-26T01:38:00.001+13:00

whenever i see your name come up on the caller ID, my heart, it plays hopscotch inside of my chest. it climbs onto my ribs like monkey bars and i feel like a child all over again.

2011-01-25T00:17:00.000+13:00

hi baby, i hope your doing well. i miss you lwr fgt. you probably know i effed school over again last year huh. i wish you was still there to tutor me & pressure me to work and ish. i can't be sure, but i have a feeling i would've done better if you were around. i miss you dragging me outta bed at the crack of dawn to go swimming. and forcing me to eat yuck food cos it was 'heeeeealthy'. i wouldn't have exploded if you were here too rofl. you met eazy yet? i bet you was a giant compared to him huh lol. i really miss your hugs. well anyway, i wanted to let you know i might kick it at your house for a while...? cos shits hectic but i suppose you know all that huh. you might be worried that your dumb ass best friend will start playing up aye. so just keep an eye out and if you don't like what you see, i give you permission to haunt that fool lol. i love you forever dick.. ps. i wish you could meet my darling, he's berry lovely. you would love him. he looks after me, lol :) bye bye 143

2011-01-24T23:55:00.000+13:00

to my dearest ka'avoni iosua. thank you for finally being there when i needed you.you know the castle is like my home away from home but i'm thinking it might not be such a good idea to go back. everywhere i look, i'll see him. and being around you & ma might make me really sad. i miss you both and i miss being in our home but it might hurt too much to be back. and if it all becomes too much for me, i don't know what ima do? ma will probably be in welly so it'll just be us. and paerata rd is a long way from westside. it's not like i can just catch a bus back if you start playing up. or if i get scared of being in the waps. that's another thing, i haven't been around you, like just the two of us in a long time. cos the last time we were, i looked at you & i swear i saw him. and that just freaked me out lol. and what if you get all pleasure P son? ima have to throw you off the staircase like i did last time haha. but maea won't be around to slap your head anymore :( the toy room won't be the same without him. (btw if u been sleeping in our bed, ima fasi your mouf boy). that is still my room! haha. im so torn. i want to go back there. but i know it'll bring up sad feelings that i've been swallowing for so long.

2011-01-19T23:56:00.001+13:00

honestly, you have fucked with my head, my heart and my soul. you have disected me with your charm and put me back together the wrong way. this—this thing here is going no where. it’s a dead end street and i’ve denied knowing that for far too long. more than a year too long to be precise. i’m fucking sick of trying so hard to keep this flame ignited when for all i know, you have a whole box of matches on the side. that day we met, i knew you were different. you were complicated and twisted and i just wanted to figure you out. so i pursued. and i fell for your charm, it lured me in. every little thing about you was actually so desirable.
you gave me this feeling - that i can’t explain. that no one had ever given me before. and tbh, i loved the attention. this went on for a while, but then you got a gf? and i was dumbstruck. i hated you when i found out. but then i realised the ‘complications’ would a;ways cause distance between us. we could never be. i got a boyfriend and we were living seperate lives. some days, i’d think about you, wonder what you were doing, if you ever thought of me? but then i’d remember how happy you were when i saw the two of you together. at that moment, i wanted to cover my eyes because it caused a physical pain in my chest when i saw you with a girl that wasn’t me. but then there was a part of me that was just ecstatic to see this girl could bring such joy to your life.
but you know, all good things must come to an end; my love died and yours left. the first time we talked after tht, it was like nothing had ever come between us. we were as in love as we were the night it all began. and privately, i was over the moon. but surely enough, you couldn’t keep it in you pants and i began to doubt you again. i remembered how easily i became jealous of other girls and you’d always assure i meant more to you. i couldn’t get angry though, because we weren’t ‘official’ right? the complications were too great.
and this one-way love continued to exist like that, until now.i love you as much as one can love such a slutty boy, but i have to let go of you.
i’m sorry for all the times i swore and abused you, and told you i never wanted to see you again. i’m sorry for the amount of times i’ve made you listen to my problems on the phone until 6am on school nights. i’m sorry for crying so much about maea and having you listen to me talk about this boy who you despised so much. i’m sorry that you’re such a flirt and you give me reason to believe you’ve been sexing other girls everytime i see you. i’m sorry that you have to tell me how hard it is to love me, yet you still do. that you talk to your exes like you never broke up. that you sometimes acted like there was nothing going on between us. that you had to deal with me for a whole year. that you talked with me for all that time when you had better things to do…
so yeah i’m trying to leave you behind - because you won’t change, and our situation won’t change. so fuck it. yes, weekend mornings, i’ll reach for you and realise you aren’t there. and it will hurt like a bitch. but maybe this will only be temporary. maybe one day i’ll wake up and not feel that tug in my chest reminding that you’re fine without me. maybe one day, you won’t be my first thought waking up and my last before i sleep. maybe i’ll stop crying everyday about what i’m letting go. maybe i’ll eventually learn to trust a guy implicitly, like i trusted you. maybe someday, hopefully soon, i’ll be able to smile without wanting to break down in tears. maybe i’ll stop wanting you. but i don’t think i’ll ever stop loving you. you’ll be like a scar.
you know, people have scars and they’re kinda like secret diagrams of our past. marks covering old wounds. the wounds heal, leaving nothing but a scar. and though the cut is gone, the pain still lingers.
so that’s just fucking life. and this is officially the end. now is the acceptance speech. the end of the pain and anger and denial and baggage and bullshit. i accept that you and i will never be the same again. those days will replay in my mind forever, but they’re over. i hate it, but i accept it. and now i’m moving on. deuces.

2011-01-19T22:06:00.000+13:00

i needed it so bad. but once i had it, would i know how to give it back? was i capable... of love?
soul-searching questions that only time can really answer. i just pray that it won't be in a letter from my daughter or son. i hope that i'll love them enough to see them--really see them. see that their titties are getting rounder, clothes getting tighter, and face getting fatter. i pray that i'll know that my baby is about to have a baby. and my knowing won't be discovered on a long letter like this one. my prayer is that i'll see it with my eyes, feel it in my and just know--know that my baby is in pain. know that four months ago, i made a foolish decision--one that it is too late to take back now, one that has me terrified, and excited too.
this pain i'm in hasn't just been the past three months either. only recently, i realised that i've been struggling for a long time. searching. searching for someone to love me. timmy, bilal, kareem, doug, damon--they couldn't find my heart. heck, they didn't even try to look for it. they didn't have to. finally, understanding austin's words, i see that i made it too easy for them. giving the, all parts of me, sacred parts, and not demanding or even expecting them to unlock what was hidden inside. money filled my dowry. nothing filled my heart.
at home, "love," like "wildflowers," was treated like a curse word. no one to teach me about it. you didn't or couldn't. roc didn't. damon? the baby's daddy? yeah he knows. he's not too happy either. but what does he know about love? i don't think he knows how to love anyone but himself. but i think once it's born, he'll come round. so what choice do i have?
none. i've got to find out--find out if i am capable, find out if i can give and recieve, too. moms, i have to keep this one. it's all i have. and i'm gonna do it right, too. as soon as i found out, i stopped drinkin, and getting high. i''m trying to quit smoking but that's hard right now. (those newports be calling me, taking the edge off.)
the other day i think i felt it move inside of me. it was so quick. i haven't felt anything since then, though. so maybe it's too early for kickin', but it's coming. it's coming! this is real. one minute, i cry to myself wondering what i've done. then the next, i think of how this is gonna change things for the better, give me what i need.
i hope it's a girl too. a pretty little girl with good hair. i'll put her in pretty dresses and stuff. moms, she's never gonna see me get high! i'm not gonna let her smoke weed anyway. i'm'a cook dinner every night, breakfast every morning. help her with her schoolwork, 'cause she's gonna be smart. and strange men? not around my daughter! i won't need damon or anybody else, because i'll have her. she's all i'll need. since there won't be any men comin' and goin', there won't be any need for locked doors. i'm'a take care of her. or him. whoever is inside of me. take care like a mom is supposed to do. finally, i'm gonna have someone who loves me.
you and mom mom always talkin' about flowers. wildflowers. well this is my flower . . . a rose. a rose, which i'll water, nourish, and help to grow. grow slowly. and grow with all of my love. 'cause i know there's love inside of me. there's got to be; my heart can't stay padlocked forever. i need to love. more than that, i need someone to love me back.

2011-01-19T20:57:00.001+13:00

this is too close to home. i miss you but then i remember i hate you

2011-01-16T12:59:00.001+13:00

im tired of time
im tired of times
im tired of times they've tried to look into my mind
tried to understand my mind
tried to change my mind
tried to deceive my mind
and fucked with my mind.
years down the line
and they're still trying
they don't understand that im not up for compromising
i wont fall for their cheap-talk, their bullshit, their lying
you wont ever understand the mind unless you were invited

2011-01-16T12:12:00.003+13:00

musiq♥

2011-01-09T23:04:00.001+13:00

2011-01-09T21:35:00.003+13:00

nothing gold can stay

life is fishing, the best ones get away

nothing gold can stay

a road runner going 100mph- m.i.a

nothing gold can stay

at least in my experience; me, myself, renee

nothing gold can stay

here in april, gone by may

nothing gold can stay

can't stop it from happening, no amount you can pay

nothing gold can stay

evaporate, disintegrate, melted sorbet

nothing gold can stay

hopefully except for you. each day for this, i pray

2010

2010-12-31T16:16:00.001+13:00

What a year man! It went by so fast. Heaps of shit went down throughout the year but i've had some pretty spectacular friends to get me through. Thank you Ki, Jess, Dani, Frank, Mik, Lise, Allex, Rissa, Taf, Golly, Sarah, Ahu, my 09 AGGS sisters, Dove, Kat, Tam, Holakeituai, Tera & Keni. I know most of you won't even get to see this but you mean the world to me. Even though some of us aren't really close anymore, you made this year the blast that it was. Sorry if I forgot anyone, i'm in a rush. Anywho, i really hope next year is full of smiles.... I'm having some me time for the next two weeks. Happy blue year one & all. Get pissed, kiss strangers, say your prayers, embrace the martian, and YOUNG MONEY BEEEETCH. Eternal love, ren ♥ xoxo and pashes for ma hoes XxxXxX lmfao

2010-12-31T16:06:00.000+13:00

if only, if only, you knew the truth,
saw past the facade of this happy youth.
if only you cared enough to knock down these walls,
i'd be forever endebted, i'd give you my all.
i guess that your love was just too much to ask,
so it's back to the usual, wearing my happy mask.

2010-12-30T23:55:00.000+13:00

i would literally give an arm for you. i would stop the rain if you needed me to. i'm fucking head over heels and you couldn't care less u fuckwit. either you're an ignorant asshole, or you're really dumb. honestly, do you need me to write it across my head? how obvious do you need me to be. YOU are the reason i need to get away. i hate how you have so much control over me. i'm currently playing the position of a lame-ass puppet on a string. you are my master. and it's freaking me out cos this is not like me at all. i am NEVER like this with boys. i never need boys. ew. i've always been independent and shit and i don't know wtf u do to me. i've been contemplating for like the last 3 months whether you're worth the fight. whether you're worth the hurt that you cause me unknowingly. while i'm away, i need to decide. cos if you aren't worth it, then laters, you will NEVER hear from me again for the remainder of your life. it will be a drastic change, like no-communication-with-anyone-drastic, but i know i can do it. i should have listened to what sarah said to me on the motorway. fuck love man

2010-12-30T16:22:00.000+13:00

as i read what you wrote, every word hit me like a bullet
you told me you had a gun but i didn't think that you would pull it.
it seems like everytime i think i'm getting better,
a wave knocks me down and my cheeks end up getting wetter.

2010-12-30T10:28:00.000+13:00

Pick 10 artists/bands that you love before reading the questions.

   1 john legend
   2 kid cudi
   3 nicki minaj
   4 kanye west
   5 gwen stefani
   6 drake
   7 wayne
   8 m.i.a
   9 trey songz
   10 lloyd

What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
best i ever had i think..

What is your favorite song of 8? paper planes or starstruck

What kind of impact has 1 left on your life? he's like amazingly wonderful. john legend is ultimately the reason behind my love for words, lines, metaphors, and actually listening to lyrics.

What are your favorite lyrics of 5? the real thing (wendy & lisa slow jam mix).

How many times have you seen 4 live? once. 1st december, 2008

What is your favorite song by 7? i can't pick..... something you forgot, pussy money weed, need some quiet, me n my drank.

Is there any song by 3 that makes you sad? most of nicki songs bring me loads of emotions, ummm can anybody hear me, autobiography, dear old nicki, save me.

What is your favorite song by 9? i need a girl. missing you. neighbours know my name. in the middle

When did you first get into 2? when i fully listened to a kid named cudi i think

How did you get into 3? listening to old, meaningful throwback nicki stuff. not wanna minaj hahah. and my darlings influence!

What is your favorite song by 4? streetlights, coldest winter, thru the wire.

How many times have you seen 9 live? zero. HOPEFULLY SOON THOUGH :)

What is a good memory concerning 10? all the goooooood memories ;) nah, um singing love spaceship with akeelya on the field on one of her last days.

Is there a song by 8 that makes you sad? the song 'steppin' up'. not because it's sad though, but because it makes me think of request

What is your favorite song of 1? again. PDA. heartbreaker

2010-12-29T22:11:00.000+13:00

the little things mean more to me than you think they do. i notice all the things you do for me you know? they're so cute, thank you so much.. just when i get to thinking that chivalry is dead, you revive it.... there's not many people that would sit at a hood-ass park with me in the middle of the night just cos i was scared to be at home.. thanks for coming, for listening, for talking, for making me smile and laugh :) and thank you for not having pretty ricky motives (lol), or cypress hill motives like alot of my so-called 'friends'. i felt secure with you there next to me. i wasn't scared for nearly the whole night. and you kept checking like every minute to see if i was okay, which was super lovely of you. it was nice to be in someones arms again, just cuddling. to hold hands with someone that actually loves me. to be with someone i can be my utterly dorkish self with... being a rata has some perks but they don't mean as much to me as last night did.

2010-12-29T20:52:00.001+13:00

2010-12-29T15:34:00.002+13:00

maia & amaani. seasons greetings bitches

bear is correct btw

2010-12-29T14:06:00.000+13:00

and thats when it all came crashing down
mask removed leaves only a frown
the burden has become too much to bear
taken over my mind, the army of despair

what did we get ourselves into....

2010-12-28T17:54:00.001+13:00

i can't explain how i'm feeling. it's like having butterflies, but more like moths inside my tummy. it feels dark, not like butterflies when you see ya babes. it's really hard to breathe. my fingers are shaking. my mind is going crazy. i can feel extreme changes into temperature around my body and when i walk around. i feel reaaaaally tired. my eyes are trying to close.

whatever was in my house this morning, GTFO.

2010-12-26T14:45:00.000+13:00

Ek sal na my eerste taal eh. Eerste, ja, ek is trots op my kultuur, almal van hulle. Alhoewel ek omhels nie Afrikaans nie baie dikwels. Wel 'n goeie vakansie, wees veilig, kry wild, het baie pret! Big Love, Ren X Verontagsaming teef se, kry geld.

2010-12-26T14:24:00.002+13:00

i remember the day you left
i remember the last breath you took right in front of me
when you said that u would leave
i was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
but i see clearly now
and this choice i made keeps playing in my head

Twas the night before Chirstmas....

2010-12-24T23:01:00.001+13:00

note: Visionary post.

So Christmas for me is pretty much my New Years in Auckland as i'm never here for the real thing. Anyway, it's finally dawning on me that this year is pretty much over. I'm sad in a way. I don't want things to change. This year i've made a couple of amazing friiendships that i'm so happy to have and I don't want anything to change about them. I can't believe it's my last year of school next year. To be honest, i'm 13 on the inside. I am such a child in everything I do and I don't want to grow up. But rather than dwell on the doominess, I want to give thanks for everything i've been blessed with, for the beautiful people I've gotten to know, for the knowledge i've attained, for the love I have felt. I'm soooooo thankful.... Happy Birthday Jesus, I got you a necklace but I don't know how to give it to you aye, sorry bro... I hope tomorrow is fun and happy and not full of drama and fighting and my normal family antics. If anyone reads this, Merry Christmas. Even to the people that hate me, Merry Christmas.

Big Love, Bug Love, REV REN x

2010-12-24T01:55:00.000+13:00

hoiho :) one of my favourite people in the world since i was little. not cool that i don't get to see you much though. you're one of the reasons i look forward to summer. you're so entertaining man. "pretty much a native nomad wandering the whenua in search of inner peace"....more like a stoner rasta shogun farmboy lol.was nice to see you not long ago, and see you again soon haami (:

2010-12-24T01:22:00.003+13:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

2010-12-24T01:21:00.001+13:00

I can say whole-heartedly believing it "nothing is forever". When that thing that is meant to be forever ends, it jacks your mind. It kills all hope in everything. It affects life in so many more aspects than just it, itself. My mum thinks it dark as to have "nothing gold can stay" tattooed on me but I don't and it's my body. It's so true.... All good things come to an end and that's reality. People change, situations change, things change and people die. There are some days I relish in the gloomy, pessimistic view of the quote meaning it's gonna leave/change at some point so why bother with it anyway. And then there are some days I read it and remember that nothing good lasts forever so at those moments, I treasure things wihile they're there. This could go hand in hand with "people don't know what they got till it's gone". So milk the fuck out of it while it's there! Hmm...

2010-12-24T01:01:00.001+13:00

So you pretty much jacked six peoples lives because of your actions. I don't think you can get yourself out of this one aye. Like, I can only speak for myself but I will probably never trust you again. And if they know what's best for them, they won't either. I wish things didn't turn out how they have but hey, that's life innit. You used to be my everything. When I used to cry hardout, you'd comfort me and tell me to relax, just breathe. You always knew how to make me smile. Although some times you made me cry by being mean lol. Then you made me cry at Trusts stadium that time in 2005. Those were some of the best tears that have ever fallen down my cheeks as they were tears of joy, pride, love & all things amazing. Then the next time you made me cry was on that road, you pulled over, hugged me and we cried because you talked about how much I meant to you. I never would have guessed that it all would go down hill from there. I've cried too many tears because of you, and all the bullshit I/we have had to put up with. You don't deserve my tears. I'm like a fucking phoenix; these tears are so rare and special that they'd properly heal something that's dying aye. They're not to be wasted on your dumb ass causing me hurt. I miss you, I never want to see you again, I love you, I hate you.

melancholy

2010-12-23T09:19:00.002+13:00

lol JK, you're not worth being sad about.

2010-12-23T02:18:00.000+13:00

True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.

It makes me sad that I think of you when I read this quote. I was there for you in all those awkward as times. You needed me but were too afraid to ask because it may have made me uncomfortable, but I saw through your "i'm fine"s. I was at your side crying with you and holding your hand. That meant so much to me. We understood eachother. We both knew when speaking wasn't needed, when the song that was playing had to be changed cos it was too happy for the moment, and even that exact moment to hug eachother right before that hardout crying started. It's almost bringing a tear to my eye that we shared such an indescribable frienship and now we don't even talk. You can't say I wasn't there because I was, every time. And when I needed you, you were no where to be found. Too busy being cool and shite. I honestly hope that you're happy with how your life is now, that's all I want for you. I'm glad I realised how much you meant to me before it was too late, but i'm sorry that I couldn't mean that much to you. I'll love you forever because that's just the person I am. I miss you.

2010-12-22T15:31:00.001+13:00

squiddytots :)
our plans of jellicoe, picnic and fun have been shattered by reality. it's been reduced to the mere act of sitting at home listening to pink friday & one mac miller song, eating, talking about ghosts and fighting. if only i could write this in tongues.

2010-12-22T14:08:00.000+13:00

Hmmm.... You. I'm like speechless. Do you know that i'm kind of embarrassed that I know you. You are such an asshole. You are actually the reason for a girls life turning to utter hell. How dare you. You turned her from the most beautiful girl inside and out, to this bitchy, toady stranger. Shame on you! Up to you if you wanna throw your life away but what you did to her is uncool.

2010-12-22T00:54:00.000+13:00

i have so much to say and no one to listen who i think will understand. so i'm going to vent here. firstly, i shouldn't even be explaining this but i feel i have to as some nosy fuckwits i know feel the need to read stuff i post on here and talk about it. don't take this so seriously man. do not assume, so not twist things i've said, just don't even absorb anything i post. and if it's family then fat neeeeext. STOP JUDGING ME YOU BUNCH OF HYPOCRITICAL MUDBLOODS. i had to make two other blogs to say what i really want just so you couldn't read it. and friends and acquaintances. just gap it to be honest. IF I WANT TO SWEAR, I SHALL. IF I WANNA POST A PICTURE OF A MONTROUS DICK THEN SO BE IT.

So where to begin... ahhhh my girl. You're going to be a handful, I can already see it. You remind me of myself which is doom from the beginning lol. I think you are hanging with the wrong crew, they will lead you down that alley that Hagrid had to save Harry from. I'm thankful I had such an amazing group of friends when I was your age or I would probably be having the same problems as you. So ch-ch-changes, I thank you. Now as for the boy sitch, gtfo out there babygirl. You have your whole life to fool around and have boyfriends. Just embrace your toddlerness and have fun with your friends! I'm just afraid that you feel so neglected and unwanted that you'll go looking for love in the wrong places. So one thing I think you should know is to keep yourself exclusive: don't give your kisses to just anyone, don't go out with every boy that asks, and don't you dare do anything you know you're not ready for (I will fasi your head so hard). I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You're so beautiful and intelligent and talented. You're so mean to yourself when really my dear, you are THE SHIT. And i don't just go throwing those words around so treasure them. Get confidence, love yourself, just do you. And don't moan about how no one will want to marry you cos you think you're ugly or whatever because you have met and seen my boyfriends, and every one of them have been lovely beyond words and not to mention, beautiful! So if I can, you sure as hell can. You don't have to change in any way for someone else. Stop following and fall astray from everyone else. Go through Orewa and past Waiwera when everyone else is going through that new, wannabe skuxx, BFN toll road.... I just want you to be happy in whatever you do. I'm here always if you trust me to drive you baby ;)

This ranting will go on for days....

2010-12-21T14:41:00.000+13:00

aotea, ummmmmmm.... i remember when we went with brit & eka all the way to the hairdresser in papatoe to get extensions hahaha. and they remembered who she was even though she lived in hamilton. lolol

2010-12-21T12:16:00.000+13:00

this is what i love, and can't stop loving.
get wasted at parties, from 9 'till 7 in the morning.
i live for the music, rolling blunts, feeling high, getting loaded or take some pills and go to la la land.
spending all my money on dope and extreme high priced tickets.
but in the end it's all worth it.
i like to live in my own world. fuck regular life, fuck a 9 to 5 job.
i'm told to enjoy every moment, every hour, every minute.
that's what i do on fridays and saturdays. why should i take life so seriously?
i just wanna do what i like to do. being far from reality, cause i can't stand society.
this is my own world, i just wanna hear the music.
i think the whole system fucking sucks.
everybody's working their fucking ass off during the week,
getting totally fucking stressed out
so what's wrong, and what's right?
i live for the weekend, i live for hard styles, i live for hardstyle baby!

freaks on E, that's what we fuck man!

2010-12-21T11:46:00.000+13:00

when the people you love most eff you over, it hurts. after it happened to me the first time, it killed me. i told myself i wouldn't let it happen again. i got effed over again, but i didn't let it phase me. no tears over this BS, no pain, no hurt. i have the armour of life right now cos i'm just so over everything aye. on to the next one to the two of you. i hope you have a long and meaningful relationship! but golly, as a respectful human, i'm saying you need to step ya cookies up. get some respect for yourself. your body is a gift, don't just go around giving it to anyone that asks. it's disappointing that i lost a good friend, but i'm even more disappointed in YOU. straight up, back to those rata ways is it? have fun with that, hope you don't get aids (that is if you don't have it already).

2010-12-20T01:48:00.002+13:00

2010-12-19T23:07:00.001+13:00

gone like the wind, haven't spoken in ages
the end of our book, there's no more pages
i don't know who you are anymore, or where you've gone
but you're not the boy that i'd once known.
you broke my heart, my dreams, my world in a way
maybe i'll forgive you one day.

chuckin up the deuce now

2010-12-19T22:59:00.000+13:00

a stranger to me is what you've become
unfinished business, we will never be done
you left me here stranded, standing alone
unraveling the foundations that we'd once sewn

do you enjoy watching all we had burn up in flames?
disco inferno, didn't know you were the type to play games
sucked the love out of me, left nothing but hate
on that harry swag - knight to H3, checkmate

2010-12-19T22:49:00.001+13:00

trying to figure out how i let you drift so far
past the clouds, beyond the moon and the stars
since you been there, you've dimmed yourself down
you changed who you were cause you liked what you found
little did you know, you were already brighter than the rest
no doubt in my mind, no question, no contest
i wish you'd seen that with your own eyes,
before you let the person i love rot and die..

cos i wanna take a ride in your love spaceship

2010-12-19T03:59:00.001+13:00

2010-12-17T11:15:00.001+13:00

love this song, & this video is flippen crack up haha

2010-12-14T00:56:00.001+13:00

Looove u Naye. Miss you Naye. Wan't to See You Naye. Alway's and Forever Naye

true. you're doing alot to show it aaaaaye. ahhaha. want and always don't have apostrophes either.

2010-12-14T00:50:00.001+13:00

oh that's rich coming from you! you've been with like 45433271503685346 girls since, then you saw me with ONE boy & you decide you miss me? well no, you don't. you're just jealous. jealous that i'm happy with someone that isn't you. it hurt me when you left. and it hurt when you talked about all the other girls, while i still had feelings for you. but i stuck it out & got over you. while you distracted yourself, drowning and denying your feelings. months down the track and your stuck now. shame BEEEEETCH
as a wise bitch once said "paybacks a bitch motherf*cker, believe me" :* SMOOCHY FACE DEEEEUCES

boredom

2010-12-12T10:37:00.000+13:00

[x] Part 1 -- The Basics [x]
Birthplace ::	Auckland?
Age ::	sixteen
Age you act ::	sometimes 7 sometimes 37
Current location ::	i think it's considered lynfield?
Eye color ::	brown.
Hair color ::	sometimes brown, sometimes red
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? ::	ambi
Zodiac sign? ::	cancer
Height? ::	37129489 metres. srsly
[x] Part 2 -- Describe... [x]
Your heritage/nationality ::	dads black, mums white.
Your hair ::	GROSS. no hair on the side
Your fears ::	failure. losing people.
Your perfect room ::	kinda simple. dope ass hiphop art. huge bed
What you practically do in a day ::	eat, sleep
[x] Part 3 -- What is/are... [x]
Words you overuse ::	like, next, skuxx
Phrases you overuse ::	is dat rite, we all day
Your first thought when you wake up ::	changes everyday
Your greatest accomplishment ::	being alive, still in school, no babies
Something you want to do ::	run away
[x] Part 4 -- This or that [x]
Pepsi or Coke ::	pepsi
Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera ::	brit brit brit
Chocolate or vanilla ::	chocolate
Adidas or Nike ::	nike
Black or white ::	black
Bills or Coins ((Think $$$)) ::	coins
Burgers or hot dogs ::	burger
Egypt or France ::	france <3kayla
Rock or rap ::	rap
[x] Part 5 -- Do you...[x]
Smoke ::	sensimllia
Cuss ::	too often
Sing well ::	nooooooo
Sing in the shower ::	sometimes
Talk to yourself --a lot-- ::	no
Believe in yourself ::	sometimes
Play an instrument ::	yosss
Want to go to college? ::	maybe :/
Want to get married? ::	not really
Want to have children? ::	yeah
Get along with your parents ::	errrrr yes
Get along with your siblings? ::	hell nah
[x] Part 6 -- In the past month have you..[x]
Gone out of state ::	yup
Drank alchohal ::	yup
Smoke ::	no
Eaten an entire box of oreos ::	no
Been on stage ::	yes
Gone skinny dipping ::	no
Been dumped ::	no
Dyed your hair ::	yes
Stolen anything ::	no
[x] Part 7 -- Your friends! =D [x]
Craziest ::	keni a crazy boy. and ben
Loudest ::	christina? allex
Most shy ::	maybe sonny?
Blondest ::	KRYSTELLA
Smartest ::	tera, danielle
Kindest ::	woulda been tera or dove...
Best personality ::	i love dani's :)
Most talented ::	mm all my friends. ahu?
Best singer ::	keely/halisa
Most ghetto ::	definitely jess
Drama Queen ((or King XP)) ::	keys
The one you just want to strangle to death ((Homer Simpson style))::	sometimes tamara haha
Funniest ::	kolli, tyla
Best person for advice ::	danielle.
Dependable ::	........... :/
Trustworthy ::	mik. darling.
Most likely to end up in jail ::	halisa lol
[x] Part 8 -- The Last... [x]
Last dream ::	i had colourful hair c:
Last nightmare ::	MY HORSE GOT BEHEADED
Car ride ::	drove home from gleneden early this morning with alky
Last time you cried ::	not in a while
Last movie seen ::	eat pray love for the third time
Last movie rented ::	emily rose
Last book read ::	reading the ceiling by cant remember
Last word said ::	chimp ahhaha
Last curse word said ::	faakn
Last time you laugh ::	last night with cindy
Last phone call ::	to aquilya
Last CD played ::	pink friday or my beautiful dark twisted fantasy
Last song you listened to ::	save me - shanell
Last annoyance ::	mum playin up
Last IM ::	aite
Last weird encounter ::	white boy saying 'ea that's a pretty hearty haircut' last night
Last person you hugged ::	cindy or b
Last person you yelled at ::	mum telling her to stop being a chimp
Last time you wore a skirt ::	trying stuff on yesterday..
Sarcastic? ::	the last sarcastic? i speak sarcasm.
Last time you fought with your parents ::	mum at like 2 this morning
Last time you wished upon a star ::	the night before i crashed
Played Truth or Dare ::	saturday the 4th of december :)
Spent quality time alone ::	everyday haha
[x] Part 9 -- I swear this is the last one! -- Randomness [x]
Are you talking to someone on AIM ::	no
Do you feel lonely ::	no
Do you not like dislike not like me? ::	wtffffff
Yo Momma ::	fia hoka hahahah
Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you? ::	yeah (;
What do you think of George Bush? ::	he allgoods
How many languages do you speak? ::	3
Damn.. are your fingers tired? Cause mine sure are! ::	no fak this was dumb

2010-12-11T08:56:00.000+13:00

you're hanging out at night with the goons and goblins
leaving me here all by myself
you used to be just like prince charming
now you got me screaming for help

i used to think that you were pretty
i used to think that you were beautiful
you used to be just like a fantasy
but now it's nothing but a horror picture show
cos you're so ugly, ugly, ugly
u-g-l-y you ain't got no alabi, you UGLY

i used to think you were my knight in shining armour
just to find out that chivalry's dead
just when i thought i had my feet on the ground
i turn around, it's all up in the air
now it's beauty and the beast when..
you are changing like the seasons
cos the rumours make you look like freddy kruger
sorry baby i can't do it no more

2010-12-10T11:37:00.000+13:00

i like dees boy. i like filipino boys. i like lip piercing. and i love black boys

MY RESULTS

2010-12-08T15:12:00.000+13:00

Your Existing Situation

"Is not making any progress, but unwilling to put any further effort into the situation. Seeking more comfortable conditions where very little is required of her. "

Your Stress Sources

"Her current situation or relationship is not up to par, but cannot improve it without help. Hides her vulnerability by holding back affection or being overly expressive. The relationship may be depressing, but the fear of losing too much keeps her around. she wants to be independent and free, but fears the future will be just as disappointing. her situation leaves her sensitive and impatience, seeking a quick escape. her restlessness may destroy the ability to concentrate."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Tries to participate and involve herself in things going on around her; however, avoids conflict and arguments to reduce stress and tension."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

"Wants interesting and exciting things to happen in her life. she is able to make others like her, because of her genuine concern for them. she is charming and open and makes friends easily. she can have an over-active imagination, which leads her to fantasize and daydream."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward a current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. Tries to escape into a fantasy-type environment full of sympathy, understanding, and artistic beauty."

Your Actual Problem #2

Longs the freedom to make her own decisions and plans without the criticism and restrictions of others. Uses her charm to deal with others and get what she wants.

DFKD

2010-12-08T14:29:00.003+13:00

i was in your exact position a few months ago. i went along, secretly dying on the inside. i was worried about every move i made and every word that came out of my mouth. i trusted her, so i let her know me. in the end i wasn't good enough for her. she was judging me the whole time i thought we were friends! she cut me deep. btw i'm not trying to scare you, i just want to let you know, I WILL NEVER EFFING DO THAT TO YOU MAN!
you don't need to be scared, you're already in! i don't know how to say that in any other way? you're in my mind, you're in my heart (awkward. those are john legend lyrics). but you are! this is not a trial friendship or whatever the heck i was put through. that was over after our first chat on FB hahahah.
truth is, there are 2 people i can open up to about anything and you are one of them, (and my darling).
also, i highly doubt i'll end up hating you, unless you totally and utterly eff me over but i really can't imagine you doing that.
and you know what, we're here to help eachother! i know there are some things we will never be able to fix in eachothers lives but we're here to get eachother through yeah?
and no, i won't judge you, ever. my thoughts of you will never change, no matter what you do. unless you murder someone. then obviously i will need to re-assess our friendship. hahhaa.
so maybe we won't be close forever, cos things change and that's just reality. but i promise that as long as we are, i will treasure our friendship like it is the last litre of vodka left on earth. lol. i know it's hard, but let me earn your trust :) i love you haras.

you turned my world the right way up

2010-12-05T21:24:00.001+13:00

2010-12-04T00:35:00.000+13:00

2010-12-04T00:13:00.000+13:00

my life is like a revolving door. there's this constant flow of people coming and going, coming and going. emphasis on the going. no one ever stays. it's like people come in, ride the elavator a few times, get what they want, then leave because it's easier than letting their walls down. but they might not realise how much it hurts me though. i let my walls down, let them in, trust them, then they fly away. there's this continuous cycle of me getting effed over by life time and time again. and even though it's happened too many times to count, it stills hurts everytime it happens. people are lying if they say otherwise. i don't even think the hurt lessens each time either. we just get used to it, we learn how to cope with the hurt we carry everyday. well in my case at least. i'm pretty flippen used to abandonment. by everyone and anyone.
i spend my days counting down to the next time someone i love will leave me. and it hurts

2010-12-04T00:00:00.001+13:00

you told me you knew it hurt them, and that you didn't want to put them through it anymore. but it really hurt me too, so much more than you will ever know. to sit by and watch someone you love, make some really ad choices - it flippen hurts. i don't even think there's a point in writing this, yet alone ever telling you. cos i don't think you will ever understand it. but truthfully, you hurt me nearly everyday... with your words, with your lack of words, with your actions and with the actions you fail to make. it all hurts. it even hurts me when you're hurting. it's effed man. you have so much control over me, i'm so powerless. i lost.

2010-12-01T23:11:00.000+13:00

i miss that feeling of home. that feeling that i had, that no matter what went down, i would always have you. i could always run to you when things were too much. and then when we were together, i would get lost in you. feel intoxicated by the mere act of being around you. that's what i miss. that feeling that i got from only you. the security that i felt when i was around you. no one could hurt me when i was with you. and nothing mattered when i was with you. you made the troubles go away. i miss the the assurance i had that you truly loved me for who i am, and you loved everything about me. that allowed me to be myself. you are thee only one i can be myself around. thee ONLY one. and now that you're gone, i don't know who i'm being? but it's not me. i've tried but no one is you, and no one will ever be. it sucks but i'm 100% sure i'll never find another you. and i'm coming to realisation now that you're gone, maybe even gone forever. we don't even talk anymore. how has it come to that? we would talk 24/7. i'd wake up to you, talk all day, then fall asleep talking to you. but now, i don't even remember the last time we talked. i was so excited to see you on friday & you didn't even come. i was stupid to assume but there was a hope in my heart that you'd grace me with your prescence. i don't know why but suddenly, you're back on my mind. i moved on for so long but i need you back. i have to have you. i really miss you jyv. i love you. when i get you back, i'll be back.

2010-11-29T23:16:00.001+13:00

actin up, sayin you feel somethin

when deep down, you know you frontin

we tried, it died

so swallow your pride... and

get the hell off my dick

you could have any girl, so take your pick.

im not yours and im not like anyone you had

if you think im gonna come around, boo you got it bad

dont be offended, i think you're a keeper

but i'm looking for a striker- paulie bleeker

i know there's a girl, who'll give you what you need

but right now i don't need you- im good with music and a feed

lol

2010-11-29T21:02:00.002+13:00

MY BABYGIRL AND THE ACTUAL MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I HAVE EVER COME TO KNOW. inside and out. i miss her terribly.

2010-11-29T01:18:00.000+13:00

gonna try write about the weekend before i forget it all, for future reference. i've already heard TS stories so for personal closure, i want to state what REALLY happened lol.
friday around 11, chilling on that hill having quality time with M&M. jamming auburn - perfect two on the guitar and singing really loud, and badly haha. this was one of the greatest nights of my life. all romantic and ish looking at the stars. we saw 5 shooting stars; one of them was really slow and another one was orange? maybe a comet haha. took a moment of silence for the miners then sang killing me softly. i wish i could go back to that night. i was at peace with the world, genuinely smiling and enjoying life.

saturday around 11, me, moo, MFYW & rhadyn got in my car. we had this container of juice to takes to the beach. i remember listening to ramukanji, s&m, check it out, then this reggae playlist. jah rastafari came on and we turned it up. we were driving along this gravel road but i was going slow so the container wouldn't tip. singing 'to be glorious and righteous, as joyous as jah is my.......' and this dumb as racer car came speeding around the corner, and as if the roads weren't narrow enough, the dumbo was on my side of the road. so i tried to swerve left and the car started shuddering, it was like vibrating violently haha. then i tried to turn to the right. and ended up going off the road, flipping a few million times through these trees & bush, and the drink tipped all over all of us. then hanging in mid air in the car, the music was still playing 'hope, peace, faith, harmony, dreams, aspirations added all together it's a recipe from jahhhhh'... then straight after, i go "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED"... no one said anything. then i said "i'm so sorry i nearly killed yous aye" and rhadyn broke their silence with "it's allgood!" MFYW let out this weird groan/moan/noise and i saw her face in the mirror, i'll remember it forever, then she told me to turn off the radio. straight after i couldn't help but make fun of the whole thing with "what are you looking at? stop staring at me. get off me, get the hell off me!" you know, from the ad (; hahaha, yeah only i'd make everyone laugh at a moment like that. we cracked up. next thing amaani started singing ..this time won't you save me, this time won't you save me... and only i knew what she was on about ahha. but tbh it all happened so fast, it seemed like we crashed then the next thing i knew, rhadyn was out of the car! it smelt like lemon and lime from the drink spilt everywhere hahaha. then i un-clicked amaanis belt and she fell hahahaha. oh yeah i was smashed against the ground/trees all up in ma face. amaani got out then MYFW did. i grabbed my rosary off the rear-view mirror, my phone, my ipod, my camera & wallet from around the car, their bags and some other junk. then jumped out the window..... and yeah.

post 999.

2010-11-28T12:05:00.000+13:00

gadfgfdhgdj no words to describe

2010-11-26T00:14:00.000+13:00

omfg i'm so attractive i have a moustache

2010-11-24T23:33:00.001+13:00

i wish you were sitting right here in front of me. i'd hold your cheeks and just stare into your eyes, for as long as it takes to understand you a little more. assure you that i will be here for you. i won't be here forever so i won't say i will be, but i will be here for the entire remainder of my life, as long as you want me here. i'd hug you, and never want to let go. let you know that i won't ever hurt you intentionally, for any reason. i'd hold your hand, to show you that i care about you. every atom of you, every tear and every single thought that goes through your head. and i'd kiss your head to thank you for feeling the same.

2010-11-24T20:14:00.001+13:00

2010-11-24T13:35:00.000+13:00

stuck in a tunnell

looking for the light

pass the funnel

it'll do for tonight

in need of feeling something

take another hit

morning comes, remember nothing

you can't light a candle that's already lit.....

2010-11-24T13:32:00.000+13:00

our love is on fire.

but i don't know if

it's warming my

heart or burning

it to ash.

2010-11-24T12:49:00.000+13:00

right now, i am in love. and i am doing everything and anything i can to get out of it. stand in love, do not fall in love.
so yeah, i've changed alot in the last few months. i don't know if it gradually happened, or if i just woke one day & i had changed. i don't know if it was triggered by something or if it just happened naturally. i don't know anything. all i know, is that this is me now. and as much as i want to go back to my old self, it's not happening. my priorities have changed, my attitude has changed, i even think my energy has changed. it's possible that i don't look like the old me too. i'm not as daring as i was, not as fun, not as loving. i've been extremely angry and aggressive. i'm pushing everyone away. i don't trust anyone- not one person. that sucks. and it's not that i don't want to, i can't because there are reasons why i shouldn't. forever alooooone

i know it may sound crazy, but i'm in love with you

2010-11-24T12:48:00.000+13:00

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

2010-11-23T21:43:00.000+13:00

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart and soul
And you played it
To the beat

goodbye

2010-11-22T12:20:00.001+13:00

this is really worth listening to...

2010-11-19T12:12:00.001+13:00

kai tree

2010-11-18T01:23:00.002+13:00

your roots are grounded in my heart

growing stronger everyday, but never apart

your branches wrap me up, keep me safe and secure

for the long road ahead that we both must endure

your leaves are tears that fall to the ground

don't feel lonely anymore baby, you've been found

2010-11-18T01:06:00.000+13:00

it could all be so simple
but you'd rather make it hard
loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars
tell me, who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will

is this just a silly game
that forces you to act this way
forces you to scream my name
then pretend that you can't stay
tell me, who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will

2010-11-18T00:49:00.000+13:00

fifteen - the person you miss the most

dear girl, i think i miss you. i cant really remember you. you use to smile? you use to be happy? now you cant be. even if you tried. which btw you don’t? you dont even realise that you’ve become your worse fear, somebody else. somebody that hurts others. somebody that wakes up every morning wishing she didn’t, somebody that feels so neglected, you neglect others. you emotionally and in some cases physically abuse those closest to you. you dont feel an urgency to mend your life. you dont take time to let others into your life. you refuse to re connect with people you’ve at some point lost connection with. you heart cries out to people who don’t exist. you talk to people you dont know which hurts the people who want to listen. you keep pushing him away. you keep giving him reasons to leave you in hope that he’ll show you that he loves you. you use to love expressing yourself on stage. you use to sing all the time. sing some sweet beats and not have to have unsensible amounts of illegal shit. you seem to only feel better when the bottle is over half empty, theres ash in the pipe and the packet is nearing its end. you choose to invest your time in people that could potentially determine wether or not you stay with the one you love. where are you keys? i miss you.

-my other half. i couldn't have said it better myself.